So what do you do?
after you listened to someone talk who is hurting? If I have been down that path before I like to tell what helped for me. After all they are my friend, and I deeply care. So why hold the medicine and not give it to them? But what if they don't think what I said is right? Than they choose to not share about this anymore because they feel they no longer can with me. Grrr. But I am their friend. I deeply care about them. I want to know their struggles, upps and downs, because I do care. I do want to listen. That's why I listened to them the first time. But now they no longer feel that they can share with me, because they rejected the advice that I gave. So should I quit telling people what helped me when I was in a similar situation (or even brainstorm with them possible ideas for answers?). I don't think that is loving at all. I wouldn't want any friend to do that. If a friend is only there for sympathy but never to actually help (when they have the help) it isn't that nice.
If I had a flat tire I would rather you help me change it rather than give me sympathy or listen to me tell about it. Oh why, oh why, do relationships have to be like this? I don't ever want friends to not feel they can not share and they have to put on a happy face. But the joy of listening is to help fix the problem, right (at least to a guy it is)? This kind of stuff can be frustrating in relationships.
There was a time that God probably felt this way with me. Hopefully, not anymore.
If I had a flat tire I would rather you help me change it rather than give me sympathy or listen to me tell about it. Oh why, oh why, do relationships have to be like this? I don't ever want friends to not feel they can not share and they have to put on a happy face. But the joy of listening is to help fix the problem, right (at least to a guy it is)? This kind of stuff can be frustrating in relationships.
There was a time that God probably felt this way with me. Hopefully, not anymore.
posted by Seltzer at 11:12 PM
2 Comments:
Excellent points, Paul. I've felt this same way, even recently. Friendships
i think i understand the frustration, but i also have been in the position of the one getting advice. many times my attitude just isn't ready for advice, and sometimes all i need is compassion at first, and advice asking comes later.
also, I think it's always wise to get their permission first before giving a bunch of advice, especially if you're talking to a girl. for one thing, if you respond with fixing advice too quickly, it doesn't seem like you really listened. (not always, and not with every person, but there is potential for that kind of miscommunication.)
also, i've been in situations where my pride was really injured by the comment (which isn't really a bad thing...), so i was offended because it seemed like it had been forced upon me.
Emotional problems aren't as cut and dry as having a flat tire. sometimes it's better to keep quiet for the time being, and help later when the person asks.
(Hi friend, this is Annie now): Looking at it from a guy's point of view, the obvious answer to someone sharing a problem is to immediately find a way to fix it.....thus eliminating the painful emotions, yes? But from a girl's point of view, it's just not that easy.....the emotions involved can be more important than the problem itself. What a girl would normally need in a situation like this is for someone to listen, to understand her pain and not to just sympathize, but to empathize. Offering ideas for solutions instantly can make a person feel like she's not being understood, or that the other person is impatient with their problems and just wants to fix them and move on. So there, now you have the opinions of two girls :) Whatever that may count for....(Annie is now going to shut up and stop hijacking Leah's comments to insert her own opinion).
*Leah again*
so, in closing i think i will say, the next time you are listening to someone's problem, and you instinctively feel like you can help. STOP. count to ten. then take into consideration who you're talking to, and if it's a woman, chances are she doesn't expect advice right away.
ok, well, now that i've written all this, i'm getting doubts about how accurate i am, but do you kinda understand where i'm coming from? and it's obviously not going to be the way i described it 100% of the time, life is too complicated for that. :)
well, that took about 45 minutes to write out. and yes, i edited. in fact, i edited annie's too, and she got mad at me. :P
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